This is a tender time for you. My heart goes out to you. I have been there, too, and I want to ease your discomfort in any way I can because I know how it feels.
My biggest concern for someone in your shoes is what new beliefs about yourself are forming now because of this breakup. I hope you won’t decide that you are unlovable or that there is anything wrong with you. I hope you will continue to believe that you are a desirable person – just as you felt at the onset of this past relationship.
When I think back to all the breakups in my younger years, whether it was me breaking things off or the other person breaking up with me, I know now it was never personal. People break things off for all kinds of reasons that are personal to them.
This is an understandable time of shock and trauma. Something you were putting your heart into went away just as you were diving deeper to trust more. So now there’s confusion that says, does this mean it isn’t safe to love?
It is safe to love. It is always safe to love. Sure, there are risks, and hearts get broken, but the heart heals stronger, and wiser, than it was before. So please continue to believe in taking risks in love, even though your heart is broken. Do not close your heart or let your heart collapse into itself or let it freeze up or shut down or put a covering over it. Vulnerable does not mean foolish or weak. Open does not mean unprotected. Truly, an open, loving, trusting heart is a strong heart.
In times of feeling hurt one’s mind naturally wants to search for what did I do wrong or what is wrong with me? And sure, maybe you will think of things that you could have done a little better or maybe you will rethink the true health of the relationship. Let those questions be there and accept them for now. They will sort themselves through.
All love is eternal no matter the form or the appearances. In my relationship endings I needed to do two things at once – on the one hand I couldn’t help but try to get a reality check on all the negative aspects of the relationship. And, at the same time, I let myself still feel the love and appreciation I had for that person. It was easier somehow to continue to love them because that love was true and I didn’t want to deny it.
Part of the art of surviving a breakup is developing the skill of letting someone go, meanwhile still trusting in your own wholeness and goodness as an individual, independent of ANY relationship. The job of loving oneself is a full time job – a lifetime job – whether we are in a relationship or not. Taking stock of your uniqueness has always been your responsibility and now in this time of change, whether you realize it or not, you are deep in process of doing exactly this. Loss forces us to focus on our own inner resourcefulness.
Most everyone has gone through a loss like this, or will. Loss is a universal experience. Surviving it is a universal skill, which means there is wisdom in the eithers you can harness and use. Find this wisdom and use it. It is within you.
Breakups can feel destabilizing. So – What, and who, in your life is still stable that you can take stock in? Seriously, make a list. Write it out so you can see it and fully appreciate that you do still have solid ground under your feet while your blessed heart heals. And then reach out to those resources and talk to people. Share your feelings about your loss.
Do your best to name your feelings every day, throughout the day. Do a Google search on a “List of Feeling Words” to help you name your feelings. Give every feeling a moment to express. Let each feeling pass through and deliver the message it has for you. Sorting through the legitimate feelings of shock and trauma takes time. And it doesn’t matter how much time it takes.
There is an end to these feelings of loss. You will wake up one morning and realize that you are healed, whole, safe and ready to love again. For now, keep loving yourself. Keep your heart open and let that still, honest, inner voice – the real voice of you – tell you the truth about your lovability and worthiness. All love is eternal. You are eternally lovable and you are never alone in your experiences.
Julie Matheson is a holistic counselor and author. Her new book is now on Amazon in paperback, Kindle and Audible – Lotus Flower Living: A Journaling Practice for Deep Discovery and Lasting Peace: Untangle Your Mind and Heart Once and For All. You may listen to the Introduction at LotusFlowerLiving.com/Book.